50 Reasons I Hated 50 Shades of Grey

1. Fifty Shades of Grey started out as a fan fiction of Twilight. I shit you not. The monster has begun spawning.

2. Porn is cute. BDSM is cute too, if your tastes skeeter that way. Porn masquerading as a novel is about as cute as Paris Hilton lobbying for the post of UN General Secretary.

3. I have started hating stories about 20-something virgins who wait for the perfect man to come along and ‘take their flower’ Nobody has done that since 1960.

4. The heroine is called Anastasia Steele. Now that just blows Bella Swan out of the Mary Sue-edness water.

5. This Anastasia, or Ana, is so much of a virginal virgin that she has never even touched herself in 22 years.

6. Christial Grey is a young, brilliantly handsome, immensely wealthy business tycoon. Sorry Ms. James, business tycoons are not 27. If they are, they’re never single. If they are, it’s because they’ve given themselves ulcer, or look like Quasimido.

who, if you think about it, had lots of experience with bondage.

7. Ms. E L James’s original pen name was Snowqueens Icedragon

8. Contractual sex?  Non-disclosure agreement? If someone told you they would like to have sex with you but you had to sign some contracts first, how hot would you feel for them?

9. Not just contracts, there seems to be a whole rulebook, including gems like she must not touch him unsolicited, or make eye contact.

10. This line: “He reaches between my legs and pulls on the blue string- what?! and gently pulls my tampon out and tosses it into the nearby toilet.” 

11. Ana has an ‘Inner Goddess’ that she mentions often. This Inner Goddess dances, frolicks, has conversations with Ana, much like an imaginary friend. I think this is the first time any woman under 60 has used the phrase Inner Goddess unironically in a ‘novel’.

12. Ana also has a subconscious, that is separate from the Inner Goddess, and glares at it. Maybe they have bitch-fights.

13. Ana, please, you are 22, it’s the twenty-first century, stop calling your vagina ‘my sex’.  Also, of all the penis metaphors in the world, you choose ‘his length’ ?

14. Christian Grey signs his emails with ‘CEO & Eye Roller’, or ‘Stalker and CEO’, and similar shit. What, is this supposed to be funny? And why are you changing the subject line, has nobody told you about the reply option?

15. So, you are giving people sex in exchange for clothes, gadgets, a computer? We have a word for people like you.

16. Came in your sleep? You  came in your sleep? If you were a guy that wouldn’t be something to gloat about now, would it? Who does that?

17. Why is clumsy considered sexy now? Bella and now Ana are repeatedly described as clutzy. Clutziness is embarrassing and dangerous. Why is it adorable?

18. Stalking is NOT sexy, okay? People get killed that way. Stop making heroes out of stalkers.

19. The writing is really immature. James sounds like a 12-year old writing out her sex fantasy.

20. James really has no idea what a novel should be like, she probably hasn’t read too many in her life. The entire style of writing, the over use of certain words, the structuring of the story, and the characterisations, are all copied from Twilight.

21. Oh my! Holy Cow! Jee Golly! Crap! These are some of the words our sophisticated young heroin burps out every five minutes, even during sex.

22. Add to that “So… hot!” as the only way she knows how to describe the love of her life.

23. Christian is being worshipped, in the novel and outside, as some kind of super-lover, but his only redeeming features are that he is very good to look at, and he is very rich. other than that he is pretty much a bastard.

24. Ladies who are cooing over Christian Grey, please answer honestly. If this guy, who, say, works in a laundromat, wanted you to sign a contract that lets him clamp stuff to your hoo-haa, and treated you like a bitch, would you put up with his supercilious bullshit? No, I’m guessing you would call the cops.

Shallow, much?

25. “Laters, baby” is a really stupid way to say bye. It is dorky and not sexy.

26. Kate is a far more interesting character than Ana, so of course we see very little of her and hardly get to hear her story.

27. So excessive biting of lips and little girl pigtails are all you need to sexually arouse men? Try this only if you are looking to hook up with pervs.

28. Ana is a whiny little nag. She thinks the best time to whine at Christian is just before they are about to have sex.

29. The sex is really badly written. Not slow or sensuous or sexy, just campy, like porn rags you used to read as a teen. A lot of pressing, and clasping, and a lot of anatomical descriptions. Sometimes it reads like a manual.

30. If you play a drinking game and have a shot every time Ana comes, you could die of alcohol poisoning.

31. Why does Ana not have a computer in college? How does she get her work done? Does she borrow from friends? Why does she not have a cell phone or even a mail id? Is Ana Amish? Was she brought up by wolf people?

Both maybe?

32. It is ridiculous how Ana goes on and on about how huge Christian Grey’s dick is, and how awesome he is in bed. But how would she know? She hasn’t seen anybody naked, not even porn. She doesn’t have anything to compare by, even her own digits. For all we know, the man could be very boring and stupid in bed.

33. Anastasia is very average looking by her own evaluation, and has no personality as far as I can see. Yet every man she meets is dying to date her, and her alone. Sounds familiar?

34. “My inner goddess is doing the dance of the seven veils.”  If James were a comedy or humour writer, she would be one of my favorites. Sadly, she says this line in total seriousness, and if you laugh, the joke is on you (for reading Fifty Shades of Grey in the first place). Also, this line: “My inner goddess is spinning like a world-class ballerina, pirouette after pirouette,” 

My Inner Goddess is a lazy emo bitch.

35. What is Mr. Grey’s issue with food? He is trying, for a large part of the story, to force food down Anastasia’s throat. He forbids her to snack between meals. He tells her what and what not to eat. Is he doubling up as her dietician as well as her spank-daddy?

36. And with all the force feeding, he insists that Ana remains slender.

37. BDSM is a sex act, and a lot of people enjoy it. But giving someone total control of your life, and letting them take all your decisions for you in every aspect, in and out of the bedroom, is not a sex act; it is a mental condition, a parasitic dependency, neither sexy nor romantic. It shouldn’t be portrayed as something beautiful.

38. The fact is that, novels like Fifty Shades always show the woman in a stupid, dependant role. To people like Stephanie Meyers and E L James, women are little porcelain sex dolls, valuable only for their chastity and innocence, attractive only because they are useless, and NOTHING without a man. It scares me that young girls are reading this and moulding their characters to match the heroines. Are we headed back to the Gone With The Wind days?

39. Do not the two main characters have jobs? How can they exchange emails all day long? I would be fired in an hour if I tried that.

40. There is no story. None at all. Girl meets guy. Guy asks to have monkey-sex with her. They formally agree to have monkey-sex. They have monkey-sex. They have more monkey-sex. Buy book 2 for more monkey-sex.

Not Pictured: Whips & chains

41. Why base the novel in USA if you can’t speak anything other than British English? The conversation sounds so fake!

42. James is no good at writing men. All her men read like women, using words like ‘kinda cute’ and being super sensitive, being really well groomed any manicured, being so interested in clothes. The sex scenes sometime read like lesbian porn.

43. It made my facebook friend Saikat ask me to ‘whip’ up a review, and that is only the tip of the bad pun iceberg. Other gems from friends were ‘Fifty Sades of Grey’ and ‘Bondage, James’s Bondage’.

44. It made some random fanboy on facebook say “It is not only abt the sex..although there are the vivid descriptions…above all it is the story of good vs evil..i think that is what prevails..and if u ignore everything it is interesting…i mean not everyday u have mommy porn stories. And the thing is that it is a romantic novel..i think Ana and Christian’s relationship of love is above all the fuckery. The circumstances are evil…life is the bitch as they tell.  Teenagers as they say it is a coming of the age novel..the two protagonists concerned are young..it is fine. And bdsm is not dominant here…there are not much instances of it… I again say this book is not on bdsm or a guide on dominance and fetish toys…if u read the story u will understand…yes there are vivid descriptions of sex but there are more layers to it..u myt feel a bit nauseated by the sex stuff(i did) but it is a good read. I will say it was an educational read from a psychological point of view….
which made me throw up just a little.

45. “I’ll agree to the fisting, but I’d really like to claim your ass, Anastasia” Now I’m just sad that all this comedy gold was wasted on this travesty.

46. You know, if you want to read erotica, there is a lot of lovely stuff out there, like Anais Nin’s prose, that makes the mark. This book is too lame to be a love story, too stale to be erotica, and too boring and pretentious  to be porn.

47. Ever heard of mutual respect in a relationship, Ms. James? Ever heard of women with self respect? Ever heard of personal space? No, of course not. You are a Twilight fangirl, I forget.

48. Look, the sex is pretty unreal. Anastasia orgasms multiple times during her first intercourse, and then asks for more. We know it doesn’t work like that in real life. And 17 orgasms in one hour? I wonder if E L James is a virgin herself. It certainly reads like virginal fantasy.

49. It left me with a horrible, sticky feeling, the type I’m sure people get if they watch 10 hours of porn back to back, like your mouth is coated with grease, like someone opened your skull and ejaculated into it, like you fell into a vat of semen. Fifty Shades of Grey added nothing to my life.

50. I had to write this article when I could have been reading Calvin and Hobbes.

– Amritorupa “Prefers Pop-Corn To Mom-Porn” Kanjilal

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109 Responses to 50 Reasons I Hated 50 Shades of Grey

  1. I have yet to met someone who has actually liked 50 shades, but you have certainly been the most eloquent critic! Thanks for this beautiful post (and no, I do not intend to read the book…)

  2. I’ll admit that you lost me there on the 50 reasons as I have no context with which to connect. I’ll never read these books. The peculiar thing though is that I saw a book in one place and then they multiplied. have you seen the Star Trek episode The Trouble with Tribbles? It was like that.

  3. Thanks for giving me a good laugh this morning. This is so entertaining. Loved it and passed it on to all my friends. Even emailed out the link. Funny, funny, funny. You’re a really good writer. Holly

  4. Thanks for my belly-laugh of the day! With all the hype surrounding the book, I had to “look inside” on amazon. How anyone would buy, much less read that boggles my mind! LOVE that you’ve so succinctly captured all of the horrible, atrocious things wrong with this awful book.

  5. I haven’t read it, but I know quite a few people who “couldn’t put it down.” I just don’t have any desire to read about a woman being treated that way. I enjoy a hot, really naughty sex scene in the midst of a GOOD story as much as anyone, but this story just turns me off in general. Not going to read it, especially now! But your review cracked me up! Thanks!

  6. I already knew I had 0 interest in reading this book, but now I am even more certain, if that is possible!

    I’m reading Bring Up The Bodies at the moment too! I’m half way through and so far liking it more than Wolf Hall.

  7. I think you spent way too much time thinking about this! :)

  8. Okay I almost bought this book when I saw it on the stands…paise bach gaye! Superb review :)

  9. Thanks for the laugh! Fifty Shades had my bed shaking – FROM LAUGHTER! It’s a ridiculous book but alas I know people who have gone on to read the rest of the series.

  10. Ha, Ha! Very funny list! I really like the pictures that you choose, especially the cat.

  11. I enjoyed reading your review and have no interest (never really had) in reading the book. However, I would like to disagree with your 3 point, not in regards to the book (as I really have no idea) but I am 24 and while I am not sitting around waiting for the ‘right’ guy to ‘take my flower’ I am a virgin. Again I have no idea how it was in the book, but I don’t think that virginity is a bad thing.

    • Hi Vandi, thank you for raising an interesting point.
      I want to tell you that I am completely with you about virginity. A virgin is a good thing to be, as long as it is a personal choice and nobody forces it down your throat. I totally respect your personal choice, and believe your choice is good and healthy, mostly because you took it on your own. What turns me off is that these writers are hard-selling virginity, showing it to be an amazing and unique thing to be. All of Ana’s friends are sexually active (as is the norm in USA I imagine) but Ana acts holier than thou by keeping herself ‘pure’ for her man.
      Then when some rich guy comes and sprinkles her with expensive gifts, in return for being allowed to torture her, she willingly gives it up. That’s not purity, that’s whoring. That is a damn sight more promiscous than all her friends who have been having sex normally, for the sole reason that they enjoyed it.
      Virginity has always been the fantasy of men, who want to be a woman’s first, who want to ‘own’ a women totally by breaking her seal.. This sort of literature caters to that fantasy.
      James and Meyers don’t show virginity as a personal choice, they show it as a quality in females that is prized and valued by males. In their world, a female is the sexual property of the male, and he owns her virginity. Which is why I’m calling bullshit.
      Hope my answer satisfied your doubts. thank you for the visit!

  12. I had already decided not to read this book and your pat-on review has cemented that decision. I enjoyed reading you tear it down – so I suppose the value of the book lies in your review!!!!

  13. Simantini Ghosh

    amazing, awesome, best review of that piece of over-rated shit. :-) thumbs up.

  14. I read the first 20 pages and chucked it away. Good review:)

  15. how did u come across this and how did u read it????

  16. You know your point no. 19 and 20 sums up all about the book. Also, this book is essentially similar to the Harlequin Presents books published in the 80’s. The insipid virginal heroine, the rich charismatic hero, heavenly first-time sex, hero stalks the heroine, hero controls the heroine’s decisions, all those things that defined the HP books make a comeback(?) in this book. Those books also used to have several editions, so no wonder this is a bestseller. All said, your review is awesome. Sharp wit is a rare thing to come by these days. :)

  17. OMg!!! an awesome review…. can really think how much you hated the book… never reading it… thanks for saving money!!!

  18. That was hilarious haha. Especially Will Smith and all the rest of sarcasm. And GASTON! It appears he has much sense than the novel itself? Can’t help noticing his eyeglasses too hehehe.

    I just wondered how the book got to the best selling list…

    Anyway, I’ll be sharing this on facebook later. 😉

  19. Excellent read. Haven’t read 50 Shades and now don’t feel I med to.

  20. Thanks for such an amazing feedback i could have not agreed more with you…. read it on PDF online and thought of washing my kindle…. lol….. Could not read it i thought it to be very very cheap take on sex and even love for that matter….. It was actually a written porn from start to finish…. James talking about being a virgin as if it is a sin… oh come on man! it is so ridiculous…. Anyways thanks to you for giving such an amazing review on it which helps us the torture…..
    PS: How can someone go ahead and write a series of 3 books on such a subject…

  21. I meant ‘need’ not ‘med’. iPad keyboard…

  22. First time someone mentioned the book to me I thought they meant Jasper Fforde’s book…sometimes I feel like I live in a cave. But yes, huge controvery, hyping and reading- it all went unnoticed by me.

    Laughed a lot while reading your 50 reasons, though I did wonder why you would do something like that to yourself? How did you make it through all those pages?

    I suppose one could use the thing for gender studies research….but that would be the only reason for me to pick up this book. That a grown woman in the 21st century with all the information and experience this should entail creates something like this is really quite an unintended comment on the paradoxes and double binds of our society!

  23. Damn you beat me to it with #46, I was going to suggest Delta Of Venus as the place to go if you really want to read some “literary erotica”.

  24. Shades of Grey is as divisive as Twilight was, It seems to be an either love or hate thing with very little middle ground.

  25. Words can’t even express how much I enjoyed reading this. I particularly liked how you refer to the book as just “monkey-sex” and that’s about it. Very well written and enjoyable!

  26. I know this book’s not for me so I’m not even going to try it. lol

  27. You know when sometimes when something is really, really bad you kind of want to experience it for yourself? Your review has me almost wanting to read this book just to experience it’s badness…! But then I think of the tampon quote (reason 10) and I just shudders. I haven’t read Twilight and don’t intend to, I haven’t read this – and I don’t intend to. Still, this book has beaten all bestseller records so it does make me curious. Just not curious enough, I guess.

  28. I didn’t read 50 shades of grey nor will I. It just proves what I say all the time, with the right marketing you can sell anything.

  29. This is the best review of a book I have never read I have ever read.
    You are truly hilarious, but, in a thoroughly intelligent-as-hell, relevant way.
    As I said, I’ve never read the book, and never will — but I do read a lot and I do a lot [most] of my reading in a Starbucks AT a bookstore. And one thing I have noticed is the unbelievable popularity of the Shades series. I have sat there and watched women walk into the bookstore, go DIRECTLY to the big table display and grab all three books and walk straight to the cashier.
    Never once have I seen a man with it in his hand! [<– The book, I mean!]
    So, what intrigues me about it [the popularity factor] — is WHY such a book, or series of books, or… genre… appeals to women en masse like that, whereas porn itself is so predominantly the domain of the male. I mean, made [produced] by males FOR males. If women were to see this book depicted, they would umm… probably not be rewinding the thing to see the scenes in greater detail — but to read it, somehow they are doing it by the millions!
    I don’t get it!

  30. great fun post it is just a bad book ,all the best stu

  31. My intro to your blog is this article! What a great review. I was HOPING my book group didn’t want to do it. Didn’t want to read it either way. Book group average age is 65.Thankfully, no. The author makes the rounds of American morning shows and is very humble and surprised at the books success-sure.Thanks

  32. Bravo to you for finishing the book and making the list. I couldn’t bring myself to finish it.

  33. I decided to read it (out of the library, did not buy)
    because everyone was going on about it. I really did not have much of an idea what it was about. I am probably half way through n, I hate it.
    I keep putting it down and vowing not to pick it up. But part of me is hoping that Ana gets a brain and tells him where to go. It just seems like abuse to me.
    From what I’m reading here, I think I’ll be disappointed. I feel so mad after reading it.
    Thanks for your funny review

  34. Thank you … you nailed it. And if I hear the phrase “inner goddess” one more time….

  35. Never read the book, and never want to – but I have to say this is one of the funniest reviews of any product I’ve had the pleasure to read in a very long time. My kudos to you!

  36. Maybe you should give the audiobook version a try, it might change your mind: http://youtu.be/5K1RcKJVbHA

  37. Amritorupa,

    Thank you so much for this list. I have, unfortunately, read the series, but only because I bought the entire set since people kept talking about the book and it was after reading the Girl with the Dragon Tattoo series and being annoyed with having to go back and buy each subsequent book. I could go on and on about how awful this book was, but clearly you get it.

    One thing I would half-jokingly like to point out: those of your followers who have commented on your post and how great it was even though THEY DID NOT READ THE BOOKS, well, I just don’t think it’s fair that I went through the torture of reading the books and they get to enjoy your post without having gone through the same pain. Just sayin’…

  38. Wow!!!! I totally loved the review! However i was stupid enough to go buy the book! (books actually, all three of them!!!) and i can’t tell you how sorry i am about it!!! i hate that Ana girl who is so perfect ,she thinks she has tamed mr. Unacheivable! And whenever she does something wrong, mr. grey has done something right before that so that she goes all mad at him and he has to apologize! Well she is a saint, 22 and a virgin! Flawless she is!!!! i couldn’t have hated the story more! And i regret all the money i paid for that piece of ass!!!

  39. Thank you for writing this review. I feel like women should be legitimately pissed about this book, because we all bought it! Its like being a kid again. Whatever whispered slang or whisp of sex knowledge you think you don’t know, you are DYING to find out. Then you find out and it is either a) anticlimactic–hah, didn’t intend that pun but it works–or b)disgusting. I don’t care if women like that kind of porn, it doesn’t mean they literally want that in their lives, I’m not even addressing the social effects of this on culture, but as a book, it was freaking terrible! I am this girls exact age, and I think she says the phrase “holy cow/shit and jeez” more than all the times I’ve heard those word in my entire life, all in a single chapter.
    There is another taboo addressed in this book that I cannot understand comsumers buying on such a stupid basis–the idea that the anal things done in this book could provide any pleasure to the woman in the situation. I’m pretty sure the nervous system has no compelling centers there that would in any way help move a girl towards orgasm. Its mystifying to me.
    I think that this book is about two conflicted, unlikeable, characters going back in forth in lame attempts at sexual tension. And it is the epitome of antisexiness how much he pays attention to her eating and weight. Any normal woman, unless she had just come of chemo or something, WOULD NOT EVER BELIEVE a man who seems happy with the weight she has put on. Maybe we are insecure, or its society, but I am just saying, it seems incredibly unlikely that their whole relationship wouldn’t have been over from the first moment he started getting involved with that part of her life.

  40. Chantal van der Ende-Appel

    Yes! YES! YESSS! No this isn’t an orgasm. This is how much I agree with you. The inner goddess would be my no. 1 – that was unbearable. The bad writing an unnatural conversations were also annoying. This is a very, very cliché teen-book with sex in it. That’s it. Do not understand the fuss that seems to last and last.

  41. I just discovered this post and your website. This is fantastically funny writing and so accurate. Please do write that novel soon. :-)

    Cheers from a new fan.

  42. you made my day:)
    i am laughing so hard of my friend who liked it…
    (shes not my friend friend but colleague).

  43. Point 49 is awesome!!!

  44. BITCH PLEASE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  45. I love One Direction xx

    Kill Joy babe. Bitch Please! DAMN

  46. Gone Girl is brilliant! FSOG, I concur with the critic…thank you for such a greAt rundown of the BS that is FSOG.
    Iactually rented a Nook from library for Fifty..turned out to have only first volume on it..but Gone Girl was on it and I am so so glad I read it! Very creative…kind of what I was expecting with FSOG

  47. reading this makes me have faith in humanity :) thank you. being a woman is tough out there but this James girl makes it even harder for us.

  48. Yes. I agree….but just coming off of trying to read the dull FSOG, the adjectives and twist of words used to describe everyday terms or feelings was so refreshing, it seemed brilliant at the time….ha! And I do agree with you re the ending…implausible but intriguing nonetheless…..thanks

  49. What the FUCK is happening to this world?
    Why are books like this and “Twilight Saga” becoming increasingly popular? Has all the common sense in the world getting fucked up?
    It’s like these books are written by horny middle-aged women who are just trying to live their sexual fantasies and can’t write for shit!
    What the fuck is up with Anastasia Steele! She seems plain boring to me, with no actual personality described except that Christian Grey finds her innocent, and bold? 😐 In what way? Just because she never fucked anybody in her life, does that make her innocent? Just because she was willing to try out new sex stuff, she becomes bold? Whatever I read just makes Ana the horniest, most superficial bitch I know! The most irritating part is that every man around them is in love with them! It’s not because we’re jealous of Ana/Bella that we hate the books. Because these characters are not inspiring, they are demeaning to women. All they teach teenagers is that it’s okay to be stalked, and/or controlled by a man if he’s the most good-looking guy on Earth, and has shit-load of wealth! Wake-Up people!!! Why is clumsiness and shallowness being exalted? We don’t need such kind of role-models. We need more “Hermione Grangers” and less(or none) of “Bella’s” and “Ana’s”
    p.s Yes, I am a PotterHead, and a proud one too! 😀

  50. I liked the list. I did read most of the book and wasn’t a fan either. Not sure how it received such high ratings. But I don’t agree with two points. My cousins didn’t have computers growing up and I know people born as recently as the 1990s who still don’t. It’s not that much different from not buying textbooks or a TV. Pretty much you can just live off a library or do everything by hand, which actually gave them higher grades.

    Also, I am a 20 year old virgin (maybe TMI). Tina Fey, Brooke Shields and Jessica Simpson were also virgins ’til 22 and 24. So it’s a stereotype that girls wouldn’t have done anything at that age. Though yeah, I knew a few that lost it by 16.

  51. Just..yes. Finally another female human being with some sense and dignity.

    Excuse my super serious post, but although I have never read these books, the excerpts that I’ve read and comments about them have been disturbing, both from the perspective of a normal human being with a brain, but also from the perspective of a Christian woman. Anyway:

    This is my theory—with the caveat that I don’t consider myself to be a traditionalist when it comes to gender roles in life or the family—I think our society has both blatantly and subconsciously told men that their leadership in marriage/relationships is not needed and that it is sexist. It has told women that we are to be extremely independent so we aren’t dominated by those bossy men-folk. When we are taught to be intensely independent and to shun the very thought of a man doing anything for us, we become starved for such things. I think that’s why women are going insane over this horrible, dangerous garbage; they miss some of that loving, mutually respectful leadership that men/partners can provide. So they swing to the polar opposite of feminism and get turned on by some maniac controlling every aspect of a woman’s life.

    Just an over-analytic thought. Maybe I’ve got it wrong, but that’s just my 2 cents.

    That being said, I’m rather independent and have a more “dominant” personality that my husband in many respects. But gosh darn it do I LOVE when he plans a date, organizes our finances, MAKES DINNER (oh, the joy) or anything else that I often do. It feels great to be taken care of. It’s a massive turn on. But being controlled is dangerous and anti-feminist…quite frankly, it’s anti-love.


    • “the excerpts that I’ve read and comments about them have been disturbing, both from the perspective of a normal human being with a brain, but also from the perspective of a Christian woman. ”

      HA! Best comment ever on this book!

  52. Ms James. Please, please never ever use any of these words or phrases every again:
    1. “…tucked a stray lock of hair behind my ear.”
    2. ‘clambered’
    3. Using the word “Come…” when you want someone to follow you.
    4. It’s against the law to use the words “hooded eyes” more than 12 times in any book.
    5. As so many have noted “My sex” isn’t a description of the female package. You use that phrase just before you tell someone your GENDER.
    6. Any man that is described as so ‘model beautiful’ that women fall in his wake should be avoided at all costs – especially if you are ordinary looking. How long do you think ANY man would stay faithful with women throwing themselves at him? Oh, yeah. Wait. This is a FANTASY
    7. Following on the fantasy thang? There are no men that are:
    27, blindingly beautiful, make $125,000 per second or whatever that quote was, have eyes only for one woman, hung, generous in bed, able to get 3 erections in 20 minutes, beg you to spend money, beg you to marry them after 8 weeks, worry about your happiness, well being and safety to the point of mental illness, insist on going everywhere with you, repeatedly correcting you when you say “your money” to “our money” and basically having a working day comprised of 25 minutes on the phone in his den.

    8. mention someone biting their lip 37 times.

    PS To forget birth control not once, but 4 times means you have the IQ of a tsetse fly.

  53. Thank You Amritorupa,
    For posting an informed, articulate and well formatted criticism, Frankly, you had me at reason one. Twilight was dreck, In what world would Twilight fan fiction be any better ????
    Let me just add that if you’re living in 50 shades of gray….You’re living in 48 shades of Bullshit, Everyone with the brain power of a retarded flea understands Right & Wrong. This fan fiction is just wrong, and if you have 50 shades, then you have room for that bit of truth !

  54. I liked the second and third book. They are not god awful works as you seem to think. Just do away with the feminism part and read it like a book. Its way more real than ur gone with the women like stuff which has a stupid girl masquerading as an adult. Just don’t downplay perfectly fine things because you personally don’t like it. Aa for Ana, I see her a reasonably fine and a little crazy person who mind u does punch and fire at the villain. Not the damsel in distress that you make her to be

  55. This entire review made my soul feel warm and fuzzy. And number 49 will forever be a fond little diddy etched into my brain. I also wanted to marinate my eyeballs in lye whilst trying to forge my way through this book, and I wasn’t even assigned to read it (perhaps I’m a sick, masochistic lion, eh? I know, I just took it from bad to worse)! Whenever she referred to her “Inner Goddess” dancing the tango or chowing down on Girlscout cookies or knitting a sweater with dragons on it I would just cringe, like that feeling you get when you sit down in the only empty seat at the BMV that you literally saw an obese, hairy stinky man marinating in a moment before. And every time she referred to her vagina as “my sex”, I couldn’t help but to read it in the voice of Honey Boo Boo’s mother. Anyway, it makes me so happy to read such a hysterical and scathing review from another sassy female, keep on keepin’ on :)

  56. Every time I find out someone likes this book, I die a little inside. Why is it that garbage like this trilogy is so popular?

  57. My name is Anastasia and I worked at a call center when this book really got famous. All I heard was “Ha! Like in 50 Shades of Gray?” which is not something you wanna hear under any circumstance.
    Your review was excellent. I didn’t read the book because I thought it’d be awkward with sharing a name w/ the main character, but the few lines you quoted are the REAL reason I wouldn’t be able to get past like, 2 pages.

  58. I was hooked to the book. I have read so many books but this is good. i liked it and y twilight is being dragged here okay.? the author maybe a twifan but that doesn’t mean anything. The girl wants to b dependent then dats her choice .

  59. hahahaha I had to Laugh so hard when reading your article,, it was just AMAZING :))))))) LMFAO exactly what i had in mind even better. I mean I read the twilight books a few years ago and i started to read Fifty shades of grey (fifty loads of crap) just two days ago and when i started i was like ” oh am I reading twilight..??? did I download the twilight book instead..??? ” the bitch just copied the whole conversation and the stalking and so many other parts and turned it into a porno novel! not a very good one! hahaha and i didn’t even finish the damn book i was like “OK does anything else happen instead of sex and numerous, instant comes???”
    and besides,, what kind of a SICK FREAK does agree to such thing!!! this book just disgust me all over! and being the best seller?! COME ON! and even worse.. making a MOVIE out of it??!! you’ve got to be fucking kidding me! that author is a sick bitch!!! I bet she did come so many times writing the crap lmfao :))))))) FIFTY LOADS OF CRAP!

  60. WOW just what I was searching for. Came here by searching
    for fifty shades of grey

  61. 1- Thirthy-something virgin writes fanfic porn, with a psychologically disturbed couple of protagonists;
    2- changes character’s names, publishes book;
    4- profit. LOTS of profit. LOOOTS.

    That’s really a “mystery” to me.

  62. I’m forever indebted to you for this article right here. Now the movie’s coming out, and all the 50 shades of grey fanatics resurfacing, and it’s almost equally disturbing. The world has gone to the dogs, it seems. The book emanates a sickness.

  63. I had a terrible laugh at your article, and i thank you for that.
    Since i don’t like criticising a book without actually reading it (kind of like, giving it a chance to prove itself), i decided to try it out myself. Now, i could have handled the terrible frivolity of Ana, but the magical inner goddess… you’re spot on with most of the comments.
    However 1. don’t compare this shit with Gone with the Wind. Scarlett had a character, she had bigger balls than most of us and the story had a plot. 2. 16 actually happens to women ( it’s impossible for men tho). So, at least at this part, James was right. But then, it’s not surprising is it?

  64. The worst part about these novels, these people don’t exist in reality. A man like Mr. grey has all the power he needs in the world,the last thing he wants is it in the bedroom. Studies have shown, the more power a person wields in real life, the more they want it taken away from them in the bedroom. This giving us our stereotypical librarian that men think would be boring but in reality want to control you in the bed.

  65. So here’s where I am with the books. I don’t read books expecting every character to live up to my level of independence and free thinking as a woman. There are actually women out there who let men control them. So we shouldn’t read about them because they don’t fit into the feminist doctrine? I believe that it’s OK for literature to portray every type of person… even if that person is completely opposite from me. Having said that, I also read Twilight. I enjoyed both series. Are they the most well written pieces of literature around? No. I still enjoyed them. I’m not a one-dimensional woman. I get sex frequently as I have a deliciously sexy Scottish husband so I don’t fit into that category either (and no… BDSM and controlling never come into play). I agree that calling your vagina “my sex” and calling a penis “his length” is cheesy and stupid. Those parts made me gag a bit. I guess what I’m saying is that we have entered an age where, somehow, people have decided that they get to decide that others should not like a book. Sure, review a book. Tell us how you really feel, but don’t judge me because I enjoyed a book you found oppressive, boring, juvenile, poorly written, etc. I can be a perfectly normal, mature, interesting, well-read person and enjoy a book you hated. There is a meme’ going around lately and I’m sure it has come about due to the comments of others about books such as Twilight and FSOG. The meme states: “Don’t ever let anyone make you feel bad about what you enjoy reading.” It’s so true. While your article didn’t specifically go out of it’s way to condemn the readers, many of the readers comments and yours do that. It’s just a thought. We could all rip apart peoples’ reading preferences.

    • Hi Miranda, totally with you in the sentiment that people’s reading tastes should never be condemned or (at least openly) ridiculed. I don’t think the article has done that… It says 50 reasons I hated FSOG, ad talks about the things in the book I disliked the most, which is exactly what this blog is meant for. Nowhere in the comments do I or anybody else make fun of Readers of FSOG.
      My comment about FSOG being a virginal fantasy was not directed to the readers but to the writer. The way James writes about sex made me wonder if she was at all familiar with the mechanisms (outside of her imagination I mean)
      All power to you for reading what you love, and for getting sexy Scottish sex.

    • Miranda, it seem like “50 shades of grey” consumed all your “Grey matter”
      So sad!

      This post deserves to to published and be a “bestseller” so people can stop wasting their time reading JUNK! You just seem to be an unintelligent reader
      So sad.

  66. My friend, this is genius, totally, my respect!! I would love “Ms”. E.L James to read this, would love everyone one to read this, what that FUKC, I would LOVE the ENTIRE WORLD to read this post. Honestly, this post makes much more sense than the stupid entire 50sog trilogy!

    Thank you!

  67. About #38…perhaps going back to the Gone With The Winds day would be a good idea…anything to spare us from so-called romances as depicted in Twilight and 50 Shades of Whatever…

  68. I was forced by my Finnish teacher to read all three books yesterday. I only read some every tenth page of the first two books and first and last pages from the third book yet I felt so mentally fucked up afterwards that I had to search for peer support on the internet, and quick. I’m fucking sick, is this the shit people turn on at?? I’ve run out of hope in humanity a long time ago and this definitely didn’t restore my faith in it. What a load of crap!!

    I’ve been sexually harassed two times and the 50 series were an excellently horrific reminder of what it felt like. If the feelings these books raised in me were anything like what other people enjoy while reading 50 shades, well fuck, I completely fail to understand them. Nothing sexy about being haunted down, stalked or oppressed like that!! Give me some air, this shit is repulsive, I agree with you 100%.

    Oh, just one thing… as for 17 orgasms in an hour, of course it is possible lol… just can’t begin to imagine reaching even the first one by using that deranged 50 shades of grey shit.

  69. I have to admit this , Amritorupa. Your article just made my day . You know , the sort of popularity that this crappy series has gained over the years basically proves the fact that three-quarters of the world is inhabited by moronic people who donot have anything to do with their lives except for sitting around and drooling over the sexual fantasies of this middle-aged woman , i.e. E.L. James.

  70. You know, those monkeys in the pic you posted have more chemistry and a much better relationship than 50 shades 2 main characters. And they are actually lovely to look at

  71. Yea, but the big questions are: Why was this book so incredibly popular, and why did it make the author rich beyond her wildest dreams? Doesn’t that seriously make you wonder?

  72. 33. It’s true that men prefer an average woman with little to no personality versus an attractive woman with lots of personality because it makes them feel more loved and secure, especially when it comes to long-term relationships and marriages. Attractive women (and even men) are often seen as bad people for marriage. In other words, they’re seen as whores who’ve been around.

  73. I loved it..yaar…I loved it…You have hit the nail on the head……..

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