1. Fifty Shades of Grey started out as a fan fiction of Twilight. I shit you not. The monster has begun spawning.
2. Porn is cute. BDSM is cute too, if your tastes skeeter that way. Porn masquerading as a novel is about as cute as Paris Hilton lobbying for the post of UN General Secretary.
3. I have started hating stories about 20-something virgins who wait for the perfect man to come along and ‘take their flower’ Nobody has done that since 1960.
4. The heroine is called Anastasia Steele. Now that just blows Bella Swan out of the Mary Sue-edness water.
5. This Anastasia, or Ana, is so much of a virginal virgin that she has never even touched herself in 22 years.
6. Christial Grey is a young, brilliantly handsome, immensely wealthy business tycoon. Sorry Ms. James, business tycoons are not 27. If they are, they’re never single. If they are, it’s because they’ve given themselves ulcer, or look like Quasimido.
7. Ms. E L James’s original pen name was Snowqueens Icedragon
8. Contractual sex? Non-disclosure agreement? If someone told you they would like to have sex with you but you had to sign some contracts first, how hot would you feel for them?
9. Not just contracts, there seems to be a whole rulebook, including gems like she must not touch him unsolicited, or make eye contact.
10. This line: “He reaches between my legs and pulls on the blue string- what?! and gently pulls my tampon out and tosses it into the nearby toilet.”
11. Ana has an ‘Inner Goddess’ that she mentions often. This Inner Goddess dances, frolicks, has conversations with Ana, much like an imaginary friend. I think this is the first time any woman under 60 has used the phrase Inner Goddess unironically in a ‘novel’.
12. Ana also has a subconscious, that is separate from the Inner Goddess, and glares at it. Maybe they have bitch-fights.
13. Ana, please, you are 22, it’s the twenty-first century, stop calling your vagina ‘my sex’. Also, of all the penis metaphors in the world, you choose ‘his length’ ?
14. Christian Grey signs his emails with ‘CEO & Eye Roller’, or ‘Stalker and CEO’, and similar shit. What, is this supposed to be funny? And why are you changing the subject line, has nobody told you about the reply option?
15. So, you are giving people sex in exchange for clothes, gadgets, a computer? We have a word for people like you.
16. Came in your sleep? You came in your sleep? If you were a guy that wouldn’t be something to gloat about now, would it? Who does that?
17. Why is clumsy considered sexy now? Bella and now Ana are repeatedly described as clutzy. Clutziness is embarrassing and dangerous. Why is it adorable?
18. Stalking is NOT sexy, okay? People get killed that way. Stop making heroes out of stalkers.
19. The writing is really immature. James sounds like a 12-year old writing out her sex fantasy.
20. James really has no idea what a novel should be like, she probably hasn’t read too many in her life. The entire style of writing, the over use of certain words, the structuring of the story, and the characterisations, are all copied from Twilight.
21. Oh my! Holy Cow! Jee Golly! Crap! These are some of the words our sophisticated young heroin burps out every five minutes, even during sex.
22. Add to that “So… hot!” as the only way she knows how to describe the love of her life.
23. Christian is being worshipped, in the novel and outside, as some kind of super-lover, but his only redeeming features are that he is very good to look at, and he is very rich. other than that he is pretty much a bastard.
24. Ladies who are cooing over Christian Grey, please answer honestly. If this guy, who, say, works in a laundromat, wanted you to sign a contract that lets him clamp stuff to your hoo-haa, and treated you like a bitch, would you put up with his supercilious bullshit? No, I’m guessing you would call the cops.
25. “Laters, baby” is a really stupid way to say bye. It is dorky and not sexy.
26. Kate is a far more interesting character than Ana, so of course we see very little of her and hardly get to hear her story.
27. So excessive biting of lips and little girl pigtails are all you need to sexually arouse men? Try this only if you are looking to hook up with pervs.
28. Ana is a whiny little nag. She thinks the best time to whine at Christian is just before they are about to have sex.
29. The sex is really badly written. Not slow or sensuous or sexy, just campy, like porn rags you used to read as a teen. A lot of pressing, and clasping, and a lot of anatomical descriptions. Sometimes it reads like a manual.
30. If you play a drinking game and have a shot every time Ana comes, you could die of alcohol poisoning.
31. Why does Ana not have a computer in college? How does she get her work done? Does she borrow from friends? Why does she not have a cell phone or even a mail id? Is Ana Amish? Was she brought up by wolf people?
32. It is ridiculous how Ana goes on and on about how huge Christian Grey’s dick is, and how awesome he is in bed. But how would she know? She hasn’t seen anybody naked, not even porn. She doesn’t have anything to compare by, even her own digits. For all we know, the man could be very boring and stupid in bed.
33. Anastasia is very average looking by her own evaluation, and has no personality as far as I can see. Yet every man she meets is dying to date her, and her alone. Sounds familiar?
34. “My inner goddess is doing the dance of the seven veils.” If James were a comedy or humour writer, she would be one of my favorites. Sadly, she says this line in total seriousness, and if you laugh, the joke is on you (for reading Fifty Shades of Grey in the first place). Also, this line: “My inner goddess is spinning like a world-class ballerina, pirouette after pirouette,”
35. What is Mr. Grey’s issue with food? He is trying, for a large part of the story, to force food down Anastasia’s throat. He forbids her to snack between meals. He tells her what and what not to eat. Is he doubling up as her dietician as well as her spank-daddy?
36. And with all the force feeding, he insists that Ana remains slender.
37. BDSM is a sex act, and a lot of people enjoy it. But giving someone total control of your life, and letting them take all your decisions for you in every aspect, in and out of the bedroom, is not a sex act; it is a mental condition, a parasitic dependency, neither sexy nor romantic. It shouldn’t be portrayed as something beautiful.
38. The fact is that, novels like Fifty Shades always show the woman in a stupid, dependant role. To people like Stephanie Meyers and E L James, women are little porcelain sex dolls, valuable only for their chastity and innocence, attractive only because they are useless, and NOTHING without a man. It scares me that young girls are reading this and moulding their characters to match the heroines. Are we headed back to the Gone With The Wind days?
39. Do not the two main characters have jobs? How can they exchange emails all day long? I would be fired in an hour if I tried that.
40. There is no story. None at all. Girl meets guy. Guy asks to have monkey-sex with her. They formally agree to have monkey-sex. They have monkey-sex. They have more monkey-sex. Buy book 2 for more monkey-sex.
41. Why base the novel in USA if you can’t speak anything other than British English? The conversation sounds so fake!
42. James is no good at writing men. All her men read like women, using words like ‘kinda cute’ and being super sensitive, being really well groomed any manicured, being so interested in clothes. The sex scenes sometime read like lesbian porn.
43. It made my facebook friend Saikat ask me to ‘whip’ up a review, and that is only the tip of the bad pun iceberg. Other gems from friends were ‘Fifty Sades of Grey’ and ‘Bondage, James’s Bondage’.
44. It made some random fanboy on facebook say “It is not only abt the sex..although there are the vivid descriptions…above all it is the story of good vs evil..i think that is what prevails..and if u ignore everything it is interesting…i mean not everyday u have mommy porn stories. And the thing is that it is a romantic novel..i think Ana and Christian’s relationship of love is above all the fuckery. The circumstances are evil…life is the bitch as they tell. Teenagers as they say it is a coming of the age novel..the two protagonists concerned are young..it is fine. And bdsm is not dominant here…there are not much instances of it… I again say this book is not on bdsm or a guide on dominance and fetish toys…if u read the story u will understand…yes there are vivid descriptions of sex but there are more layers to it..u myt feel a bit nauseated by the sex stuff(i did) but it is a good read. I will say it was an educational read from a psychological point of view….”
which made me throw up just a little.
45. “I’ll agree to the fisting, but I’d really like to claim your ass, Anastasia” Now I’m just sad that all this comedy gold was wasted on this travesty.
46. You know, if you want to read erotica, there is a lot of lovely stuff out there, like Anais Nin’s prose, that makes the mark. This book is too lame to be a love story, too stale to be erotica, and too boring and pretentious to be porn.
47. Ever heard of mutual respect in a relationship, Ms. James? Ever heard of women with self respect? Ever heard of personal space? No, of course not. You are a Twilight fangirl, I forget.
48. Look, the sex is pretty unreal. Anastasia orgasms multiple times during her first intercourse, and then asks for more. We know it doesn’t work like that in real life. And 17 orgasms in one hour? I wonder if E L James is a virgin herself. It certainly reads like virginal fantasy.
49. It left me with a horrible, sticky feeling, the type I’m sure people get if they watch 10 hours of porn back to back, like your mouth is coated with grease, like someone opened your skull and ejaculated into it, like you fell into a vat of semen. Fifty Shades of Grey added nothing to my life.
50. I had to write this article when I could have been reading Calvin and Hobbes.
- Amritorupa “Prefers Pop-Corn To Mom-Porn” Kanjilal